Monday, October 31, 2005
Just when I was thinking about someone else, you walked past. Apt has always been the word to describe how we suddenly appear in our individual situations. And all I could do was to look at you helplessly as you walked past me. Cheryl shouted out to you, but it wasn't loud enough. As you were disappearing from my vision, I shouted. Regardless of the circumstances, with everything I got, I shouted. You didn't hear me. I ran after you. Only to see that you were so far, out of reach. You were happy, as I stood invisible to you, watching you walk further away from me.
Is that how it's supposed to be between you and I? I can never have a hold on you, but vice versa is possible. Just as I'm about to move on with someone else, somehow you'd reappear before me. And I'll know it's still you I love. Yet no matter how much I try, you'll always walk away from me eventually. No matter whatever I do, how much it takes, whatever I give, everything of me I relinquished, I'll still see the continuation of your walk further away from me. We're already so far apart, but you just keep going. And I've no choice but to give up, to see you walk away, as I stand helplessly and watch you leave me. You're so happy, you're unaware of the wrenching of my heart as you slowly disappear from my sight.
I'm just someone who watches you from behind.
All ready to catch you if you should fall.
12:17 AM
Sunday, October 30, 2005
| Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover |
You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.
You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.
Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover. |
1:36 PM
Saturday, October 29, 2005
You should not have done what you did,
if you have never approved of its genesis.
Like a voluted fog, you asphyxiate me.
Divulging a manifestation of a panorama of beatitude for me,
yet faltering and finally, commencing the dissociation.
It hurts.
A trust lost is hard to regain.
1:26 PM
Friday, October 28, 2005
| Your Kissing Purity Score: 51% Pure |
For you, kissing isn't a casual thing
Lip to lip action makes your heart sing |
Ripped this from Andrea's blog. Hoho.
I'm purer than her la. Hahaha. :b
3:05 PM
Monday, October 24, 2005
"It's not over till it gets better."Thanks to the one who's been providing me with these quotes/logics.
Not only for them, but for everything else too. (:
Albeit I know it's hard, but perhaps it's time. We've been dragging it for so long, with a direction that leads us nowhere. A pathway of bliss and impeccable memories, but is there a heaven for the just the both of us? We'll always remain who we are in each other. You'll always be that special, irreplaceable in my life. You know that. I wish I knew a way to vapourize every ounce of hurt you feel.
I'm sorry.
2:08 AM
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I can't get promoted.
I never thought the feeling of having to leave CJ would be this torturous. I'd be leaving Wanyi alone in sch, leaving my classmates, all the friends that I've made, and I guess ultimately
her. I'm offered subpapers however. Or at least I think I am, I hope I am. Even so, I don't feel like retaking my papers. It's just so aggravating that I have to retake the whole damn thing just because of 2-3 marks. wtf? Why can't you be gracious and give it to me, give it to Dinah? Sigh.
So now, it's either Aussie or Poly. Xinying has applied for Taylors, Perth. But everyone's in Melbourne. Or rather, just Andrea and Cart. Ha. -shrugs. Still gotta discuss with mom further. As for Poly.. Well I don't know. I'm not sure I want to graduate at the age of 21. Plus I'm not sure if I'm really cut out for poly life. Thus Aussie seems like the better of the choices. Then again, I've yet to apply. So we'll see I guess.
I honestly never thought I'd land up here, wasting one whole fucking year. Simply Great. Okay I'm going to meet my cousin now, strangely. She's 21 and she suddenly asked me out. Hope it's not one of my mama's scheme to check up on me or smth. Haha. Hope I'll have fun and she won't tell on me fagging. :/
2:46 PM
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Everyone seeks a happiness of a certain ilk whereby it satiates us thoroughly as though life could never be more complete.
I found that happiness with you.
Despite everything you've put me through, everything that you've done, just that mere second of ebullience and beatitude that surges through me with that smile of acknowledgement seems sufficient for me. At least I thought so. I was in a state of delirium.
But right now, I want out.
If truth be told, the likings of me being in the state of where we are is irrefutably paradoxical. I enjoy talking to you, you know that. I revel in your presence, everyone's knowledgeable of which. But the throes you put me through insidiously kills me. You are unaware, but you slice out a part of me every day that I hold on to you. You seem to hold a scourge over me. You leave me hanging, paralysed at your mercy, unable to move on. I'm just stuck there, waiting for you and that ephemeral moment of beatitude which only comes whenever he leaves the picture for awhile. Then again, I brought it all upon myself. I permitted your authority over me, I relinquished my liberty to you. The culpability's on me.
I don't know why I wait everyday and inadvertently search for an affliction on myself by doing so. My world's been so fogged up by my own delusion that I didn't realise what I was putting myself through. You ain't at fault for that. But Andrea's right in the sense in the questioning of how can you actually put me through all these shit after everything you said about who I am to you, after everything we've been through, after everything I've done for you? Do I really matter that little to you to not even think about how I'd feel once in a while? One moment you bring me to the highest peak of rhapsody and at the very next, you crash me down asphyxiating and begging at your mercy. Happened repetitively, but I failed to realise it. You change your mind about me so quickly. And to think I placed you first in everything I do, your welfare always came first.
You were the centre of my world.
But I guess it's time for us to move on. You with him, and I with a world with a core that ain't comprised of you solely. Albeit in all truth, it may be awfully difficult for me, and hopefully for you too. But hanging on to something that will never materialize might just worsen everything that we've built in this relationship. You gave me one of the best times of my life, and I hope I weaved unforgettable memories for you to retrospect on too. You will never be replaced.
Thank you, and goodbye.
2:03 AM
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Sorry for the lack of updates. (Esp to Karina) Just have been real lazy and tired to blog about whatever that's been happening. Plus, I've been out everyday, coming home only after midnight, then I would be glued to the tv till I doze off on my 2nd bed (my sofa). (: Been drinking and smoking quite alot lately, finished 3-4 packs within a week. Fuck. I can just see my money fly.
Went to Momo on Thurs (yes, a fucking sch night) and got drunk. Slept at 4, woke up at 6 for sch. Major hangover in school. Skipped every lecture, and managed to spend some quality time with Wanyi (: Results coming out next week, which I'd probably do pretty badly for considering I only spent a day studying right before each paper. Some even on the morning itself. :/ So next year, it'd either be Ngee Ann Mass Com or Trinity. -shrugs
Walked from Cine to MS to Clarke Quay to Boat Quay to Esplanade with Daph, Denise, Crystal and Chang on Friday. Hung out at Esplanade till 2, just chilling. Went for Matt's birthday celebration at Conrad room 1007 earlier today, and waited for the fucking bus for almost an hour due to the lack of cash. I used up my mom's 250bucks just within a couple of weeks. 2 weeks I think. I'm fucking screwed up. I so need to work during the hols. :/
Been thinking a lot nowadays, especially with all that's been going on. I've pretty much know the direction I'm heading I guess, especially with the consideration of my friends. Especially
Andrea. Thank you dear. Reading your blog has steered me into some resolution about it all. And I'm sorry too. For causing you to experience superfluous antagonism and exasperation just because of me. So right now, I'm in the midst of trying to get out of it all. Really am trying. I appreciate you so much just by caring this much for me. And well, I guess I brought it all upon myself, I didn't let go when I should have. So I guess you can't really blame her. It's on me, yea? I'm doing alright right now anyway. I've the Chang and Wanyi with me most of the time, and I'm just awaiting your return everyday. I miss you.
Alright that aside, the partying mood is up for me. Next party would probably be Gotham, 20th. But considering that I've fallen ill, sneezing and coughing and all that crap, I might not go :/ We'll see I guess. So there you go, Karina. My updates. And please tell me when you're free, so that we can meet up okay! Got SOOO much to catch up on. (:
Time for bed now. My head, my eyes, my throat are killing me. :/
2:56 AM
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I miss you.
But you probably don't wish to speak to me right now. I'm absolutely clueless on how to go about talking to you as if nothing has happened, that things are fine again. How did things turn out to be so awkward between the both of us? The question mark remains. The tide of this friendship seems to be of constant tumultuousness and bluster, especially because of the nuances and shades of meaning in our friendship. I wonder when the turbulence will cease, where it wouldn't be that strident between us. Will it ever be?
When love hurts, it won't work.I miss you so much.
2:03 AM
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
The definition of interesting
Her essence undeniably intriguing
She leaves you high and dry
Gets you wanting more of her
Look at her
Speech gets lost in her eyes
Dumbfounded by the curve of her lips
People with disappearing acts
She's the only one left within your gaze
You stare
You'll never want to look away
She's what I'd call felinely pretty.
I want to see you again.
5:36 AM
Saturday, October 08, 2005
I, I don't know why I miss you so much
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch
You, you left me feeling high and dry
With nothing, nothing but the queston why
Yeah you, I guess you had another direction
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection
If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless
You, you knew what you were doing to me
And I, I guess I was too blind to see
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad
But I'd do it again to relive what we had
There are many things left to remind me
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me
If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless
3:47 PM
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Marianne said something that struck me today. In fact, struck me hard. I updated her briefly on what happened during Sept -- a very significant month for me this year. And her first comment was..
"Where's your conscience, belle?"And like every selfish human being who'd find something(reasonable or not) to justify her cause of actions, I did.
Her response,
"Look at this way, did he take her away from you, or did she go to him?"At that moment, my world stopped spinning.
Everything froze.
My abysmal depression caused me to have a wrong perception of things, an erroneous focus, a deluded view.
True, where indeed is my conscience?
I've been selfish despite my principles of altruism.
I only thought of myself, and of her.
What happened to him?
He may not be a friend, but he still matters.
Especially because he matters to her.
All this while, I've been playing the role of the devil, but I was too clouded by everything of me and her that I failed to realise it.
All I was, was a deluded victim of my own imagination.
I should be hurt much more than I'm hurting now.
I'm sorry.
12:38 AM
